Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

April 10. 11 years have gone by since my mom passed away. 11 years? Can that be right? In the days following her death, I remember just trying to get through the funeral, then it was finish school, get through the summer, make it through the rest of the year and so on now. Now here I am typing this after 11 years worth of getting through things that have happened. I find myself thinking back to things that happened when she was here and how I wish I would have done things a little different. For example, I am going to share a story that will make me sound like a complete brat, but at the time, I sure acted like one. When I was a senior in high school, I wanted to take a trip with a friend to Ohio. We were going to go with a few other people. However, my mom didn't want me to go. I remember talking to my friend on the phone and talking loudly enough that I knew my mom could hear me in the next room. I used many harsh words and was just plain mean. Being a mom myself now, I would be so hurt to hear my girls talk about me like that. And again from my own mom perspective now, I probably would not let my own girls go at that young of age by themselves. I should have acted better, I could have been kinder, and I wish I could take it back. Those are the kind of memories that I wish my mom and I could look back and laugh about now. You know, one of those conversations where we laugh and say how stupid I acted. Instead, that act of selfishness sticks with me. Shoulda, coulda, woulda........I also find myself thinking about how different life would be if she were still here. Not sure why I put myself through that, but I do. Holidays seem to bring up the most emotions. For instance, my mom loved Easter. I know she would have made a big supper complete with her bunny cake. The grandbabies would have been spoiled with gifts and goodies from Bucia. She would have taught them Polish phrases and told them stories and traditions. She would have absolutely adored all the grandbabies. That hurts a lot to think about what a good grandma she would have been. It makes me smile and it makes me cry at the same time. If mom were here, I imagine her to love facebook and own an iphone where she could keep up with all of us. She would have been calling us to ask how to use it or better yet, used Skype to use it. Heck, she may have moved here by now to be closer to the grandbabies. There are nights when I dream of her and wake up thinking how good it was to see her and hear her voice. The last thing I heard my mom say was. " Bye Tooty, love you." Then as they rolled her down the hallway for her surgery she told the nurse " I have great kids" I will cherish that statement forever. My mom was good. She had a heart of gold, and I miss her. I know she watches over us everyday. I have many blessings in my life to prove that. As I hold my sleeping baby on my chest, Kelsey is sitting next me, and Matt is across the room. What could be more amazing than a night with my family? I am blessed beyond belief. Thank you mom for blessing me. Miss you.